My life disappears ....

November 16th year 2010 . This day is the day which is the last day of my form 4 in catholic high school ,this day also marks the day where my comfort of home lurks into darkness and may never return ....

This awful day is the day I have just received my report card. As I took it ,I was shocked ,disappointed and afraid I would not be welcomed back as a family member in my family .My siblings are marvellous in their studies and I'm the opposite of that ,yes people think that I am more gifted than both of them and if I put in more hard work and effort into my studies ,I will be better than them .Perhaps they are right .Back to where I have my report card .The day ended so quickly and other students were celebrating with joy .Planning for outings, hanging out with friends etc. etc ...

I was in a situation where I had to act happy ,but shivered up inside. As I was on my way home, thinking to myself ,:"how am I supposed to report this results back to my parents ?Mum's okay but the other one will just murder me." As night falls ,I didn't know how to spit out the words ,I knew what was coming ahead of me... After dinner , he wanted to go to the supermarket. I was thinking to myself ,might as well tell him while we were there.. But before we left home, he already knew it was back, he just started to scold as usual, and took up the report card and used it to hit me simultaneously on me without hesitation. He scolded me with words that had sank deep down into my heart. " your'e bloody stupid , even dumber that a pig !Pigs are smarter than you... Bloody Fk*"$%..." when he notices this, surely he will try to deny it." but I'll never forget this incident.

I know and I confess that this term of examination I did horribly. I know that I did not do well at all, i take full responsibility of this failure, but nevertheless , even knowing it was too late, every morning before exam, i woke up at the wee hours of the morning around 2 to do a last minute preparation. I tried to make an effort there but it was just not enough.

Because of me not knowing how to tell him about my results ,now he calls me a betrayer. Betraying him. Now my life has totally lost its warmth ,comfort . Its just like I have lost my life. Yes ,the form 5 life is the most difficult of all and I only have a 1 shot chance at this, so now he cuts of my computer usage and wants to even cut of my cellphone usage. What difference is this home to a prison where prisoners are forced to do things and there is NO freedom, No choices. At times i even think of running away from home, hanging myself, but I cant stand to see my mother bearing the pain of me gone. My person is always here, but what I can say that, my heart will never be here.......